When you dedicate the majority of your life to a specific entity, profession, sport, game, person or activity what happens when you step away?
How does one handle things when they decide to turn their back and walk away from something that has always meant so much to them?
Where does one go when the place they were once comfortable in becomes the problem?
Things have been a little odd here in my brain over the last couple of years. I really think the combo of losing my father unexpectedly around the same time of year or "anniversary" that I lost the job that I loved really took a toll on me.
How long can one fake a smile before they break down and cry?
The facade that we put on when in public in an attempt to tell the world that we're "all good" gets harder and harder as the days pass.
How would my family, peers and loved ones react if they saw me breakdown and cry?
Are men allowed to cry in 2022?
I don't know the rules anymore.
I look around at something I loved for the longest time and I don't even recognize it anymore.
I'm not sure I have thick enough skin to survive in that environment. I tried.
I gave it all I could but never seemed to be able to stay on that "high" once I returned to my normal dwellings.
"Fake it til you make it", they say.
I call BS on that.
I tried.
I try.
I will continue to try.
It doesn't work.
There were times over the last couple of years where I was fully ready to just walk away.
I wanted to just turn my back on my "comfort zone" and figure out a new path but the path I chose was a dead end.
So what do I do now?
Do I turn around and walk back to where I started and try again?
Do I try to find a way out of this dead end without backtracking?
There is no real answer. There is no real question.
Sometimes I try to just turn off everything around me and just sit.
Watch.
Listen.
Take everything in and digest it as best I could.
I'm no good at that.
How does one move forward when they're over the consequences of the decisions that they've been making in an attempt to make sure everyone around them is happy?
How does one adjust that focus to where they think/care about their own inner happiness while also trying to make sure that everyone around them is happy.
As the calendar flips to December there is so much to look forward to but I, for some reason, can only see darkness.
Another Christmas without dad.
Another wave of birthday celebrations, including dad's, without dad.
Another month of stressing about any and everything to the point that I make myself sick and ruin any chance of finding my way out of that dead end.
My friends and family keep me going.
My mother is the strongest person I've ever met in my entire life. There are no words to describe the love I have for her. No matter how down, angry, frustrated, petty or depressed I get - she's there. She's there with a hug, an "I love you" and a reminder of why I have to find my way out of this vicious cycle.
With the support of my family and friends I have started the walk back into the light.
With the support of my family and friends I know I have things to fight FOR, not against.
With the support of my family and friends I've started to look at the GOOD things in life rather than always seemingly finding the bad.
Wait, do y'all think I'm talking about bowling?
Naw, I'm talking about life.
Life in general. I was ready to give up.
I started to give up.
To heck with my medicine.
What's the point?
To heck with my surroundings.
Why bother?
To heck with fighting to survive. I was out of energy.
I look around sometimes and can't figure out where or who I am anymore.
I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person looking back at me.
How did I get here?
WHY did I get here?
"You're stronger than that, Chris", I tell myself. But, am I?
It is so much easier to just give up.
Let this stupid disease run it's course and just enjoy the time I have left as best I can, right?
That's where I was.
Some of you know that, most of you do not.
Naw. I can't let that happen.
There are so many blessings in my life every day that I willingly turn a blind eye to.
Why bother looking for or at the blessings when you are ready to quit?
What's the point?
Lost.
Directionless.
Stressed.
Disease-ridden.
Tired.
Angry.
Sad.
That's how I let myself feel for far too long.
Naw, I ain't walking into that dead end any more.
All one can do in that situation is realize that they made a mistake, they went the wrong direction and took the wrong path.
There's no time to stand there and complain about picking the wrong way but there's plenty of time to accept your mistake and correct your path.
That's where I am now.
I'm getting back in the game.
The game of life.
It ain't over yet and I'll be darned if I just throw my hands up and sit down in the road and wait to get hit.
I have a beautiful wife and daughter that need me. Watching Lillie grow and mature helps motivate me to get out of the dark. She needs me and I need her. My darling wife has had to deal with my insane mood swings and she rarely has a cross word to say back. Instead of judging or giving up on me, she helps me find that light. She helps me realize that we are surrounded by blessings and reasons to keep fighting. I honestly have no idea how she's put up with me over the last couple of years, but she's still standing by my side, holding my hand, and helping to guide me out of this hole I've buried myself in.
I have an incredible family by my side that needs me.
I have some of the best friends that a person could ever imagine.
The people in my life mean too much to just walk away. The people in my life are too valuable for me to just give up on.
The people in my life DESERVE better than what I've been putting out there.
It's time to get up, dust myself off and backtrack out of that dead end and find the right path.
Put me in, coach. I'm ready to play.
Today.
It's time to play the game.
I refuse to let 2023 look anything remotely like the last handful of years.
I refuse to just sit here, waiting to die.
Time to turn around and work my way out of this hole I've been in. I think it is time for me to get back in the game.
